An Italian woman was jostling her way through the crowded ghats of Varanasi during a religious festival.
Suddenly without warning a arm snaked through the crowd and fondled her breast. Enraged she grabbed the arm and pulled her assailant from the crowd. Imagine her surprise when she saw stood before her a pitifully thin toothless man who was at least 80!
In her rage she began shouting at the old man "you dirty old man, have you no respect for women, is this how you treat the women of your country, do you want to touch them again you pervert!!"
To which he replied "oh yes please madam".
The amazed woman jutted out her breasts defiantly daring him to try again. Quickly the emancipated hand reached out again and gave her a quick squeeze. "Oh thank you madam now I can go to heaven".
She departed the scene still angry but with a hint of a smile
In our time spent travelling around India, we,ve heard some stories.
Whether these stories are 100% kosher or not we will leave you to decide. The tales, jokes and observations below are just a selection
We hope they give you a laugh.
What's on the menu?
A traveler goes into a restaurant in Chennai picks a table and sits down. Immediately a waiter appears at his table armed with a note book and pen and waits expectantly by the table. The traveler clears his throat and says "I think I'll just have the tomato soup please" to which the waiter replies apologetically "no that is not possible sir". Ok says the traveler studying the menu once more, "how about a plate of dal and some chapattis?" "No sir that is also not possible" replied the waiter. The traveler a patient soul runs his finger down the menu once more and says
"Just give me some chips then!"
"This is not available sir"
"Mmm a club sandwich maybe?"
"This we are not having sir"
This goes on for about five minutes until the by now exasperated traveler demands "well what do you have then?"
To which the waiter replies "nothing sir we are closed!"
Why is it you can walk past a row of 20 rickshaws and every one of them will greet you with the words " rickshaw sir?"
Why is it, there always one switch in every indian hotel room that seems to serve no purpose at all?
Indian Railways reaching out to people!
A friend of ours was taking the train to Pushkar from Delhi. He boarded the train, found his seat and settled in for the 10 hour journey. The train was no sooner under way when he began to hear a strange thumping sound mingled together with vaguely human cries and groans. This being India he paid the noise no heed at first. However the noise persisted until our mate decided to go and investigate. He got up and followed the noise towards the carriage door area. On reaching the carriage door he was astonished to see a wizened old head peering through the carriage door window, pleading "help sir please Help".
Our Friend eventually got the man safely aboard. It turned out the old vagabond had been trying to get a free ride. As the train was pulling out of the station he jumped aboard. Unfortunately he only had one arm and the door was locked so he had been banging his head on the door trying to get someone's attention!
Once I was taking a afternoon swim when a carpet salesman started pestering me from the shore. "You want carpet sir. cheap price you first customer I give you best price, lucky for me"
As I was swimming I decided ignoring him was probably the best policy. I finished swimming and was heading for my towel and this guy was still at it " best quality cheap price!"
By this time I was getting a little irrate from all the unwanted attention, so I decided a bit of sarcastic logic was required to send the guy on his way. "Listen" I said "I'm on a six month trip round India do you really think I want to lug a heavy carpet round India for six months?"
"Oh yes sir make you very strong"
I had to laugh
Why are all newspapers public property in India?
The Irish fortune teller.
Once while strolling through the main bazaar, paharganj with a Irish traveler we were accosted by a ragged man claiming to be a fortune teller. try as we might we could not shake this bloke.
Finally the Irish fellow turns looks the man square in the eye and says " I don't need a fortune teller I'm a fortune teller. In fact I can tell you your future, yer getting no feckin money now piss off. That seemed to do the trick"!!
Why is there no small change anywhere on the sub-continent?
Have you ever been anywhere in India where there weren't any drum salesmen?
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands
explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American replied Gita.
"Then" asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm an Indian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Gita
why she is an Indian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Indian, so I'm an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly. "If your
Mom
was an idiot, and your Dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
THEN" says Gita, "I'd be an American."
Characteristics of an Indiam
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick, tshick, tschick, tschick.
4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.
5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.
6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.
7. You recycle Wedding Gifts. !
8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.)
9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles And Aunties" will think.
15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.
16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).
20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel !! ( and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
23. You majored in engineering, medicine or law and now........are after Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to.
24. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
25. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
26. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
27. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
28. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
29. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
30. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
31. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."
32. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
33. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
34. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting dirty.
35. When dining out, you think Rs.10 is enough of a tip.
36. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
37. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
38. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).
39. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.
40. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
41. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
42. You have really enjoyed reading this mail.
A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a
flight
from
LosAngeles to New York. The american asks if he would like to play a
fun game.
The surd, tired, just wants to take a nap . So he politely
declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
he says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get
some sleep. The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
theanswer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you
$500."
This catches the surd's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to thistorment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question : "What's the distance from
the
earth to the moon?"
The surd doesn't say a word, reaches into his
wallet,pullsouta $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American"yourturn".
He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer &
searche allhis preferences......
no answer. He taps into his modem and
searches
the
Internet and the Library of Congress...
no answer. Frustrated, he
sends
e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the surd and hands him $500. The surd thanks
him
and
turns back to get some more sleep. The American, who is more than
a
littlemmiffed, stirs the Sardar and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without
a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the american $5,
Toilets were introduced on Indian trains only after a passenger, Okhit Chandra Sen, wrote a letter to the Divisional Traffic Superintendent, Sahabgunj Divisional Office in 1909, complaining about how he missed the train when he got down to attend the call of nature. The Times of India reproduced the unedited letter:
Beloved Sir,
I am arrive by passenger train at Ahmedpore Station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore sent to privy. Just as I am doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with lota in one hand and dhoti in the next when I fall over and expose all my shockings to many female women on the platform. I got leaved on Ahmedpore Station.
This is too much bad in
passengers go to make dung that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray otherwise I am making big report to papers. Pray your honour to make big fine on that dam guard for public sake otherwise I am making big report to papers.
No I'm not writing about a chocolate biscuit. I just thought I'd say a few words on that time honored and most Indian way of getting through the day.......... time pass
This is something every traveler, sees every day. Though many won't be aware of what is happening right in front of them. The Rickshaw Wallah in the back seat of his auto rickshaw, the thin guy in white, stretched out in front of his shop,, a gaggle of red coated "coolies" squatting by the rail track, the bearded character asleep atop his motorbike, men squatting by the side of the road, a bidi pinched between their fingers, staring into space, Waiters stretched out on tables, Groups of men playing cards, propping up walls or chugging a beer. Yep all are engaged in time pass!
Time pass a colloquialism that validates the lazy care free existence of the men who use it as a catch phrase and reason to do.......well nothing. A simple term, it's used as an excuse or indeed a validation for all of the above scenarios and many more besides!!
Where's the food I ordered, "oh sir cook is having time pass" but I need my gas cylinder TODAY "yes Yes but delivery wallah is making time pass sir, will tomorrow be OK? Buying a train ticket, after time pass sir PLEASE, as he applies the balm to his forehead!
Even on entry to India I've seen the immigration guy glued to his seat in the passports booth, still managing 5 minutes time pass every 10 customers. The elaborate display of pen tapping, stamp orderliness and cleaning of his monitor screen, belie the real craft of time pass.
Mata Ji looking for wayward husbands will find them in the bar or involved in a full contact card game on some sheet under a palm tree. Again time pass is the culprit.
A half finished masala..............wife knows who to blame time pass, Leaking roof........ time pass, wayward goat...........Guess what?
I've even heard the term half mumbled, amidst the thwack of the stick Mrs Patel uses to beat her husband home from his wayward wanderings, unimpressed by the bleating of time pass my dear time pass
Government both central and State also bring their brand of time pass to the arena, usually riding around looking important in an ambassador with a red rotating light!! The scale of these "official convoys" is such that it provides opportunities for many more to join in with this official time pass
It will be obvious to most of you by now that time pass doesn't span the genders. It's very much a male dominated past time.
The women of India will tell you their life doesn't allow for such gratuities. There's the small matter of Working the land, feeding the family, household chores, making the masala, fixing the roof and finding their wayward husbands. engaged in time pass in some shady part of the village Oh and where's that bloody goat
Time pass an India institution............and a chocolate biscuit
